The Bloody "A"
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*This article was written by Yoshi for Khopesh Ltd.*
In order not to reveal any identities, the author shall be called "Yoshi" and the English teacher, "Angel."
Remember; if you don't know, don't ask.

Warning: This essay is not as nearly as past essays, so be forgiving if the writing isn't solid. Also bear in mind that this was written with a significantly unstable state of mind which makes for more bad language, and more direct criticizing.
         "If I were an "Angel," I would say that Nathaniel Hawthorne's in depth writing provides an extremely vivid view of the world of "The Scarlet Letter," which enhances our reading experience. And that the detail is something to be admired, because the wider perspective allows us to connect with the characters on a more personal level. . . . . . . . . but, I'm not an Angel.
         -Yoshi, in an in-class assignment

         With these words, I summed up my general feeling about Nathaniel Hawthorne's style of writing that has been force fed to most of us during recent weeks . I'm about to say a series of thoughts that I'm far too tactful to say outside of the essay environment.
         Let me start by saying this, I never finished "The Scarlet Letter," (and DAMN proud of it!) yet, what I have read allows me to hate it more than that skin that collects on your warm milk. To tell you the truth, I've only read the first four chapters, skimmed a few more, and read the last few pages for the anticlimactic ending.
         I know what you're probably thinking right now, I'm in no position to judge a novel I've barely touched upon, and what I'm doing has no validity, but I don't care. This is my essay, and if you feel that what I'm about to do is wrong, you can do the following: Take your *&^*&^$*^ shove it up your *&^$*% and then &^%^%$^%$% *&%$$#*&#%$^ &#%*^$$^%# 'til the handle breaks off, and you have to get a doctor to PULL IT OUT!1 Excuse ME, I meant to say that if you think I'm in no position to judge "The Scarlet Letter," you can just stop reading this essay.
         If you're reading this sentence, you're probably still interested, so I'll explain why I have the right to criticize "The Scarlet Letter." First and foremost, a writing style is something which you can judge from first impressions most of the time, because most authors have a style of writing that they tend to stick with. And Hawthorne's writing is simply so chock full of detail, it makes me want to vomit today's breakfast (Post brand raisin, date, pecan cereal with 2% milk.
         Mr. Hawthorne has got to have some of the longest sentences that I've ever hoped to read during my corporal life. And when I say long, my definition is: "a sentence which consists of six to seven lines of un-double-spaced text." The first paragraph of "The Scarlet Letter" is a sentence six lines long. This reminds me of when I got an essay back from Ms. Angel with the message, "one sentence is NOT a paragraph, Yoshi." This ordeal has left me confused, why is it that a classic writer can get away with a one-sentence-paragraph, but an Honors English student writing an essay on that author's work cannot?
         Mr. Hawthorne's style of writing is reminiscent of Ms. Angel's lectures, because it offers the gratuitously wide perspective that no one wants to hear. The writing of "The Scarlet Letter" may present a more vivid illustration of the story, but in order for a story to work, the reader must be awake. Sorry Mr. Hawthorne, but your writing is what gets me to sleep at night (that's not good in case you're wondering).
         Another issue is the name of Hester Prynne. What the HELL kind of name is Hester? Bleah! Try saying that over and over (really, try it!). Hester, Hester, Hester, doesn't that name make you want to take a trip to a nearby toilet? In an essay which should've been written during the time being spent on this essay, I made a comment about Pearl. My general idea was that Pearl's name is to imply purity and innocence. And if my thesis is accurate, Mr. Hawthorne must've chosen the name Hester to imply her sinfulness, because that name could make Dana Scully2 queasy. If Hawthorne did, in actuality choose the name Hester to imply the ugliness of her sin, I think he was a bit excessive. There are plenty of ugly names out there prettier than Hester which have the ability to provide the same effect.
         If I haven't offended you by now, you must be really enjoying this, because I can't remember the last time I bashed a novel like this (well. . ... we did read "Their Eyes Were Watching God" this year didn't we?).
         I'd like to conclude this right now because I feel like going to bed (sleep is good), and I can't think of any more things to nit-pick right now. But one more thing I'd like to say, which you may or may not believe. I'm not insane3.

1:     "'til the handle breaks off, and you have to get a doctor to pull it out" Algar, Garth. 'Wayne's World'
2:     For those who aren't X-Philes, Agent Scully is a doctor who can examine a corpse's stomach contents and think about how good what she's examining would taste.
3:     And I mean it, I just happen to have some darker thoughts that generally go unexpressed. . . . . generally.

© 1999 Khopesh, L+d.
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